唉。爱

不知过了多少个失眠的夜晚，不知过了多少沮丧的日子，失落得快迷失了自己。。

我又带着忧伤的心情回来了……

看了先前的帖子，我又很长一段时间遗弃了这个地方，然而这还是我抒发心情的良伴

一个没有读者的部落格，只是一个能让我表达自己的空间，我无所谓。

又回到一些很现实的问题，后知后觉的我真的觉得长大一点都不好玩

以前恋爱就只想着恋爱，没有想过未来，单纯的认为两人相依相惜，一切都不再是问题，今时的我尽然发现原来那只是童话故事的桥段

要谈一个以未来为前提的恋爱原来不是这么简单

我很错愕，很迷茫。

原来生活的步伐是这么的重要，我以为我愿意推他就会愿意向前，真的事实是残酷的。所以，他放弃了。

两年的捍卫，坚持，立断，同时也化为乌有……

我不会觉得可惜失去了这么一个人，我错愕的只是自己一直以来寻找的原来只是一个错误

我需要一个比我强悍，比我有能力，能够帮助我的伴侣，原来不是一件易如反掌的是。

随着年龄的增长，我开始感觉害怕，无助。我失去的是时间。

为了度过难熬的适应期，我迷失了自己。做一些自以为会很乐在其中的事，结果却发现，我的自卑感比我想象中的强烈。如果我都不学习爱自己，没有自信，我接下来的也只有堕落。

当机立断，删除诱惑，重新出发。

我依然是我，这是我应该要守着的原则。

总该为自己的未来打算，就算是迷茫也不是不洁身自爱的借口。

愿我能抛开一切烦恼，努力的创造自己的未来

原来，我害怕的不是死亡而是岁月。

爱 . 爱丁堡

第一次感受爱丁堡,

第一次不是以旅游的身份出国,

我爱上了这个地方.

一个看不见塞车,

看不见污染,

看不见匆忙,

看不见高跟鞋,

只看见花朵,云朵,鸽子和人间的热情

我从来都没有感受过如此美妙的感觉...

天天走路上班也还是乐在其中...

我舍不得离开...

我 . 爱上了爱丁堡

好久不见。回忆

好久不见的部落格，好久不见了回忆。

也许，忙碌的生活与过于专著于工作，前途和当下。

忘了往后望一望。


无所事事的在网上，面子书闲逛， 不小心在聊天室看见OOXX 20分钟前在线上。

短短的那一杀那，把我的回忆被勾起来了。

近来的你好吗？

真的，偶尔还是会想起当年的开心

最开心的也是最伤心的

时间无情的飞掠了，我依然还是找不回那一样的感觉

是我的心不知觉的上锁了还是你施了魔咒？

是我当时蒙蔽了还是我现在在蒙蔽自己？

永远都找不到的答案。。。

生气...

生气其实该是一个怎么样的情绪?
明明怄气其实心里是会很不适却自己不断的和这种情绪纠缠不清..

我今天很生气! 不过我并不知道我生气的到底是你还是我自己..
自从根你在一起后,我觉得打拳很有压力...
很在意自己为什么半年了还是没有办法把拳打好
为什么每一堂课我都觉得很辛苦..

你是我的太拳老师, 同学们大家都知道我们是一对的..
我真的没有办法不去猜测同学的想法..
总觉得自己没有把拳打好会让你没有面子..
以前我打拳是当作运动,作得到多少就多少...
而现在还要不断的听你说我吃蛇我懒惰..
也许你真的只是开玩笑,不过当我很想把体能搞好却有心无力的时候,
你那无心的玩笑仿佛狠狠的锤下我的心..

我很想放弃太拳,却又害怕我们就因此失去了话题..
现在感觉上每次都只是我不停的在说话, 唯有谈到打拳或拳馆的东西你才会说话...
那如果我不打了或换拳馆了, 那我看我们之后见面也只会躯壳坐在一起,实际上大家只是埋头认真的打电动...

我不知道该怎么告诉你我的想法...
每次我以很婉转的方式告诉你, 你都是一笑而过..
就像今天,我不知道为什么跑圈的时候要开得这么冷,
我确确实实是冷到肺... 跑圈根本不能呼吸...
跑完了都需要一段时间才能呼吸好来...
告诉你,你却只当我在赖你...
那我该怎么说话?
我很生气, 所以我选择避免正面冲突...

我还能作什么?
也只能放纵我的手指在键盘上舞动,
以文字来抒发我的情绪...
希望明天一觉醒来善忘的自己又过着美好的一天..

看着桌上的汉堡...
对不起了,我实在是吃不下..

好久不见的部落格..

真的好久没有上来了.. 兜了一大圈，始终觉得写部落格还是最好诉苦的对象.. 这4个月，发生了很多事情，搞得我身心疲劳 换工作，再换工作，考试，还有很多的琐碎事陆陆续续的来.. 可见今年并不是那么顺利的一年 一直以来超爱埋怨的我好像已经好久没有叽叽喳喳不停的埋怨了.. 反而觉得要开口说话有点累，没有必要的话也不会重复第二次.. 是我变了吗？ 今年做什么事情都好像不大顺利，感觉上自己也没有多大进步.. 工作上，7天的工作天了，眼见是那么易如反掌的工作，我却无法完美无缺的交货。总是差一点，粗心的错误，不然就是漏了一些些.. 就是不完美.. 不谈工作，打泰拳，6个月了也不见得有多大的进步，也就只不过如此， 放弃的念头也开始在脑海里出现了..渐渐失去了当初的兴致勃勃.. 不谈打拳，读书，考试更可悲，怎么考了又考还是被当掉..时间一年一年的过去，我的心，一年比一年慌.. 不谈读书，家庭，也没什么进步，心想，今天是姐姐的订婚日，我却没有被邀请..12月的婚礼也一样..是我这当妹妹的太失败了吗？ 我其实心里真的很难过。满脑子想着为什么？我却没有办法把心里的话说出来。我很想大哭但又不想显得脆弱.. 不谈家庭，感情，虽然没有什么问题，应该是我今年唯一觉得值得开心的事情.. 不过，并不代表没有问题..也许是刚开始，还是我本身的问题，我一直觉得很有距离感..就是有那一种被关在门外的感觉..我却不知道为什么自己会有这样的感觉..懊恼～ 被这一切一切逼得我已经不知道要怎么哭诉了.闷在心里我都快疯了..希望有哪天我不理三七二十一，一股冲动就飞出国去，留学也好，工作也好，一切重头再来。那时候就不需要烦恼所谓3年回鸟笼的期限。自由自在做自己想做的东西...

Valentine's Day 2013

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!
No matter you are attached or single, Valentine's Day is still a day for everyone to express their love :)
First thing first, I would like to thank "Mr. Anonymous" for the early Vday gift. I really love the choc :)

I just got back from Japan 5.10pm just now. Finally I get a proper internet connection to write this post.

February 14th 2013, I was in Osaka, Japan. This is my first Valentine's Day in overseas country, so before I go for a holiday in Japan, I decided to make an observation on the Japanese's life style especially on the Valentine's Day.

Initially, I have all sorts of perceptions regarding the Valentine's Day celebration in Japan. I thought that they will have events in major streets for sure. But its quite surprising that they did not have any events regarding Valentine's Day (At least not that I'm aware of). In Japan, they are not much different from Malaysia. They are selling chocolates and couple stuffs. Other than that, their is no any other events.

On February 14th itself, we went to a famous temple in Osaka. The temple was so crowded with tourist as well as the local visitors. I saw a lot of girls wearing Kimono. I thought that were their way of celebrating Valentine's Day but then i was wrong as most of the girls wearing Kimono are actually tourist from China who rented the Kimono. So disappointed  However, I still manage to see a few couples in the crowd walking around buying souvenirs and food stuff. Quite normal.

At night, we went to the longest shopping street in Osaka named Tenjibashi Suji. Surprisingly, in that street, I do not see much normal couples walking around. Instead, I saw a lot of couple of the same gender walking around. Of course I'm not sure weather they are couples or not, but it is definitely abnormal.

I was thinking, assuming half of the couples are the "real couple". looking at the percentage of "real couple" in the crowd. I could see that homosexual issue in Japan are quite serious. Especially Gays. We came across with a lot of metro-sexual guys in Japan. I often feel that they are more beautiful that the girls. XD
I am not  discriminating homosexuals but if this issue become even more serious, it could be a real major social issue in Japan.

I'm really hoping that one day I could have a chance to have a heart to heart talk with a homosexual. I really wish to know what is their psychological view that could change their preferential. What are the attractiveness of being with a  partner of the same gender? What are the issues that they are facing? Of course, Love, there will never be right or wrong just choose what you prefer. I really wish that i could understand....

2013, A New Beginning..

The world never end on the 21st December 2012. Some people said that the Mayan prediction does not literally state that the world is gonna end. It might be a sign of a new era. A transformation.

Despite the truth of that whatsoever prediction, I would like to have a major transformation in my life...

Focus on things that I've neglected all this while. Try to see things in a different view and not to forget, try to get rid of that whatever bad habit or bad personality I have been carrying for the past 23 years and the most important thing is, to get rid of the past. Let the past be the past, its time to let go because time will never wait and things cannot be undone. Therefore, since I have decided to do so, I've deleted all of my old post. It really gave a pinch to my heart, but this have to be done. 

After this i will no longer blog about my life and my emotions. Instead, i will blog on things that I've analyse from different perspective. Hoping that by doing so, everyone who reads could have a different insight about things that going on around us.

Wish me luck for my transformation peeps =) Cheers!!